My struggle

C’est moi as a 10-year-old. Taken at a group of trees in the backyard of our home on Lutz Ave. in Carrick (Pittsburgh).

When I was a child I had boundless energy. I used to spend hours playing outside (8-12 no joke!). I was actually hyperactive. I once ran around our entire block, at our home on Meadowbrook Blvd. in Brentwood, about 20 times in a row without stopping! I am thankful to God for giving me a happy childhood. Growing up with Violet and Tanya was wonderful. We had so many fun times together. It’s wonderful being a child. You constantly are learning new things and growing. I think I prefer being a child to being an adult with so many worries and responsibilities. Also, the knowledge you acquire as an adult about the darker side of human nature is not pleasant.

Anyways, I am envious of the energy I had in my youth. Such strength and vigor. About 21 years ago at the age of 25, I became mentally ill, and with it started my chronic fatigue syndrome. I have tried just about everything to get more energy and nothing has helped. I feel defeated and hopeless (not about life in general, just my energy level). I take very powerful psychoactive drugs which treat my severe mental illness: 2 antipsychotics to treat my schizophrenia, 1 anti-depressant to treat my major depression, 1 mood balancer to help my moods to be regulated, and 1 anti-anxiety medication for my general anxiety disorder as well as my social anxiety disorder. These drugs have 8 major negative interactions. Most people with mental illness have 1-3 interactions. So I think this combined with the fatigue I get from my major depression results in my lethargy and fatigue. Many days I struggle just to get out of bed. I have to constantly dig deep and push myself just to do the simplest of tasks. Going on the bus to the supermarket and coming back home saps so much of my strength it takes me 5 days to recover. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I don’t know precisely why God gave me mental illness or chronic fatigue, but I know that:

 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:28

I love this Scripture! I call it my Scripture because I was born on 8/28 (August 28th). Christ has definitely blessed me through my struggles with mental illness and chronic fatigue. It has helped me to be more reliant on God and to trust Him in all circumstances. It has also helped me to grow in sanctification.

I will continue fighting for as long as possible! I will not despair nor will I turn to bitterness, resentment, or anger. Please pray for me! Thank you.

6 responses to “My struggle”

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. I can definitely relate. I, too, was 25 when my own symptoms started in earnest. I had some social anxiety before that, but 25 was when I had my first bipolar episode. Last year, I started having symptoms so bad that I needed to quit my main job and find part-time work as an ESL instructor. I’m constantly depressed over it, and I share very much your sentiment that childhood, before you know how dark the work really is, is preferable to adulthood.

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    • Sorry, you had to take another job brother! Don’t despair. You’re doing the best you can! Praying for you. Vi had her first symptoms at age 20.

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  2. Thank you for sharing your story, Zach. Know that you have people in your corner who love and support you. Life is hard, but God is good my friend. Proud of you for sharing. Love and blessings.

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  3. Yes, Zak, I will pray for you! You are going through a difficult time, but God will see you through! Try to think of the good times, not the bad! May God be with you! I’m here for you Zak!

    Liked by 1 person

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